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Don’t Overdescribe in Text Surrounding Dialogue

Too many details in the text surrounding dialogue can distract readers from what the characters say. This common dialogue mistake may seem to have less to with what is spoken than the words around it, but that’s not exactly the case.

In fact, the problem usually a sign of poorly written dialogue. For example:

He held out the drink for me, stood there arrogantly. “What’s your name, pretty lady?”

Readers don’t need to know how he stood, which is arrogantly. Instead, the words the character spoke should suggest his stance. So instead of telling by writing arrogantly, instead show by changing to dialogue so the passage reads:

He held out the drink for me, stood there. “So what’s the name of the pretty lady I’m taking home tonight?”

A cousin to this dialogue error is explaining every detail about what a character is doing during a conversation. This actually slows the story. For example:

He handed me the drink. I took it, and he smiled, sat on the sofa cushion next to me, took a moment to settle in, then faced my direction. “Did you have any luck with your family?”

My eyes went to the floor, then I shook my head, smoothed out the crinkle in my dress, then sipped my drink. “I’ve already borrowed money from everyone.”

The reader doesn’t need to have that much explanation. While not exposition, the blow-by-blow account is overwriting. Instead, pare it down to the actions that absolutely are necessary for moving the plot forward and those that show the character’s emotional state. This keeps the dialogue moving. For example:

He handed me the drink then sat on the sofa. “Did you have any luck with your family?”

My eyes went to the floor. “I’ve already borrowed money from everyone.”

The story requires that he hand her a drink and sit next to her (otherwise later the reader will ask, “Wait, when did he sit down?”), but that’s the only information that needs to be conveyed to the reader. My eyes went to the floor shows her shame, and that’s a relevant emotional state that needs to be conveyed.

The point of dialogue is for the conversation itself to reveal characters’ intentions as they try to achieve their goals. Dialogue cluttered with extraneous information distracts from that and diminishes the conversation’s effectiveness.

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

Avoid Speeches and Soliloquies in Dialogue

Rarely in real life do people get to give long speeches during conversations. When people talk to one another, there are frequent questions that “interrupt” or exchanges of brief stories to show the other that you share a similar experience. After all, you’re not really in a conversation if one person is doing all of the talking. And if they are, they ought to be darn interesting to listen to or you’re going to start tuning them out.

Likewise, when writing dialogue, you should avoid speeches and long soliloquies.

If you find that a lone character in your story is speaking for page after page, then you probably need to do some revising.

Info dump
If you character needs a lengthy speech or soliloquy (a speech in which one person speaks aloud to himself) to explain a character’s motivations or their perceptions of the world, then that probably has not being adequately weaved into the story. A reader should pick up on a character’s motivations from the start through their actions and a line or two of dialogue. Ditto on their views about the world.

A speech or soliloquy that delivers such information usually amounts to an info dump.

It also risks bordering on the dull. At the very least, it can exhaust the reader.

Of course, there are instances when this might be okay. A character could be reciting a memory or telling a fable. So long as those remembrances and fables are stories with their own action, then you’ll be fine.

Likewise, you don’t want the opposite in which dialogue pops back and forth like a ball in a tennis match. This usually occurs when each character simply respond to one another in a short sentence. Instead, vary the length of responses and the sentences. For example, Character A might say one sentence, Character B responds in two sentences, Character A then says two sentences, Character B responds in one sentence, Character A answers in three sentences, and so on.  

Mime conversation
While dialogue in fiction ought to be tight and punchy, sometimes when penning or editing it, writers go overboard. The result is a choppy flow to the narration as well as text that is robbed of its emotive powers. This problem is known as a mime conversation (Cambridge SF Workshop’s David Smith coined the term.).

At first glance, such dialogue looks like it’s really ominous and significant. It’s all pretend, though.

Consider the following example of mime conversation: 

“But I heard what–”

“And that meant she would!”

“But…but…how could I have been–”

“Wrong? You weren’t. You just weren’t ri–”

“Of course. It’s all so clear to me now.”

But it’s probably not so clear to readers. That’s because the facts readers must know to understand what is meant are neither stated nor inferred. The convoluted flow of the characters’ statements even is laughable. The result is that the author robs the reader of the emotional conflict that is a key underpinning of good fiction.

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

Show don't tell when writing story dialogue

All too often, new writers fall into the error of telling instead of showing. This occurs, for example, when the narrator states how character feels rather than using concrete details from which the feeling can be inferred. So instead of saying, Suzanne was feeling naughty infer it by writing Suzanne ran finger along his arm.

When writing dialogue, writers also can fall in the trap of telling instead of showing, For example, instead of writing “I’m feeling tired, Alvaro,” Suzanna said instead write Suzanne yawned. “Let’s go to bed, Alvaro.”

Among the problems of a character telling what he feels is that it doesn’t sound realistic. Many characters, as with people in real life, often to know exactly what they’re feeling but have only a vague sense of it.

But people often do express what they feel. Because of that, body language is the perfect way to convey their emotional state.

Sometimes new writers will claim that their reader won’t get what they’re saying and so need to be told what to think about the character. That viewpoint not only underestimates the reader but actually takes the fun out of reading. It’s akin to handing a puzzle lover a new 1000-piece set and then putting it all together for them.

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

Avoid small talk in your story's dialogue

In the real world, people frequently use small talk as a courtesy to others or to fill moments of awkward silence. We’ve all done it before – “How’s the weather there?” … “How are the kids?” … “How’s work going?” Most of the time, we really don’t expect more than a trivial answer; we’re just trying to be kind.

There’s little room in a novel or a short story for small talk, though. Small talk doesn’t move the story forward, as it rarely ever shows a character attempting to achieve a goal. Because of that, small talk makes for mind-numbingly dull writing.

Consider the following dialogue:

“Hi Mary, how are you doing?”

“Just fine, thank you. And you?”

“Same old same old. How are the kids?”

“Doing great. Kaitlyn is playing T-ball this summer.”

“Oh fun! Bet that keeps you busy.”

“Yep. And how’s Timmy?”

“Still playing soccer.”

“Well, I best be going. Nice seeing you again.”

“Nice seeing you too. Bye!”

Ugh. Sure, the dialogue sounds realistic, but your story isn’t about copying life as we live it but about helping the reader either understand or escape life in an entertaining way.

Incorporating small talk into your story

Small talk can appear in a story, of course, but it ought to be for a good reason. For example, it could be used to indicate a character’s nervousness or their shallowness.

Keep these exchanges brief, however – and when doing so opt to show these personality traits in a character.

For example, look for the small talk in this passage involving two teenagers on the beach:

His face brightened when he saw me. I’m sure mine did too.

“Hey Laura,” he said. “Your bikini looks great.”

Damn right it did. The new two-piece nicely showed my trim waist, and the halter top left just enough to the imagination.

And then my mind froze up. I shifted my feet in the sand. “How’s your summer going?”

He shrugged. An awkward silence filled the space between us.

“Hey, wanna get a shaved ice?” he said.

Laura uses small talk – “How’s your summer going?” – so the author can indicate her nervousness. More importantly, the author shows her nervousness with And then my mind froze up. I shifted my feet in the sand. The small talk dialogue is brief rather than carried on for several sentences. The reader understands the boy also is nervous when he shrugs and says nothing for a long moment.

Greetings and goodbyes

Like small talk, courtesies such as “Hello” and “Goodbye” almost always are unnecessary in fiction.

With greetings, cut right to the action. In the previous passage, the boy didn’t say “Hey Laura! How are you?” followed with Laura saying, “Oh hi Jason. Great to see you again!” Instead we jump right into the action with the boy complimenting her bikini, indicating he’s attracted to her.  

A good way to handle greetings is to show how a character enters the scene. This reveals the characters’ intent. For example, the teen beach passage might have started with Jason ran up to me. This shows he’s excited to see her.

Rather than say “Bye!” at the end of a passage of dialogue, instead end on a more dramatic note that shows the possibility of where the plot might be going or of some potential tension between the characters. That keeps the story moving forward much more effectively than a “Goodbye.”

Answering-the-phone cliché

This small talk cliché consists of detailing all the trivial steps and dialogue that goes into answering a phone call. For example:

John’s cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket, hit the phone icon. “John here.”

“Hi John, it’s Mary.”

“How are you, Mary?”

“Good.” There was a long pause.

“Good but…?”

“My car broke down again.”

John rolled his eyes.

There’s a lot of dull stuff in that passage that merely shows how John answered the phone and the courteous greetings that come with it. While the passage may be true to life, including those details isn’t necessary in a story. They leave the story with a null that serves no purpose – they don’t ramp up the tension, they don’t reveal a character’s motivations, and they don’t set the mood.

Instead, the passage could be trimmed to read:

John’s cell phone rang.

“My car broke down again.”

Mary. John rolled his eyes.

The short version dispenses with the blow-by-blow action and the pleasantries of answering the phone, keeping the story rolling.

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

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Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

Interesting dialogue moves your story forward

When writing fiction, every sentence should move the story forward. To do that, characters must work toward achieving their goals. Your story then is about how well they accomplish their goals. For much of the story, they’ll fail to achieve their goals, either because of their own personal flaws or because they’ve been thwarted by a character who has other objectives.

Often the reason dialogue is flat and dull is because it’s not fulfilling this storytelling requirement. Such dialogue is filler and often pointless.

Consider this passage:

Barging inside his room, there was Ross, laying on the bed in just an undershirt and boxers, eyes wide open and breathing.

“Hi Mia,” he said.

“Hi Ross.”

“Have you been outside yet?”

“Just briefly.”

“What’s the weather like?”

Though the opening paragraph sets up a suspenseful situation, the dialogue that follows undercuts it. The dialogue instead should continue showing Mia trying to achieve the goal that caused her to barge into the room. Ross’s dialogue should show why he’s still on his bed.

Now look at how it has been revised to focus on the characters’ motivations:

Barging inside his room, there was Ross, laying on the bed in just an undershirt and boxers, eyes wide open and breathing.

“What’re you doing?” I said, pulling his suit from the closet hanger and bringing it over to the bed.

“I can’t go, Mia.”

“Are you ill? Maybe we can resched–” 

“No, I mean I can’t go.”

Tightening dialogue so it shows a character’s motivations often involves inferring their thoughts and feelings while withholding information from the reader. Consider this poorly written dialogue, which doesn’t do either:

For the past seven hours, I’d been on my feet, talking nonstop about our app with every tech geek and potential investor who who stopped at our booth. Terrell was an hour late for his shift. Every text I sent him got the same response: On my way.

Then my phone rang. I glanced at the screen. Terrell. I excused myself, walked to the back of the booth.

“Terrell, I’m really mad at you. Where are you?”

“Mia, I spent the night with some girl from a tech company that has a competing app. While I was sleeping, she took all of my clothes and left the room.”

“What? I have a responsibility, Terrell. I can’t leave the booth unattended!”

“Could you please bring my duffel to Room 1202.”

“Look Terrell, I care about you and want to help. But I can’t just close the booth.” I glanced at the crowd growing around the booth.

“Please Mia – I need your help.”

Now look at how it has been tightened:

For the past seven hours, I’d been on my feet, talking nonstop about our app with every tech geek and potential investor who stopped at our booth. Terrell was an hour late for his shift. Every text I sent him got the same response: On my way.

Then my phone rang. I glanced at the screen. Terrell. I excused myself, walked to the back of the booth.

“Terrell, where are you?”

“Mia, you’ve got to come and get me.”

“I can’t leave the booth!”

“Bring my duffel. I’m in Room 1202.”

“What the hell is going on, Terrell?” I glanced at the crowd growing around the booth.

“Please Mia – I need your help.”

The dialogue in the second passage infers Mia’s thoughts and feelings. The reader can tell she’s angry at Terrell, that she is responsible, and that she also cares about her colleague. The first passage, rather than infer, states it. Stating instead of inferring, however, is exposition, which keeps the story from moving forward.

In addition, dialogue ought to create suspense. It can do that by withholding information from the reader. The first passage fails at this, because Terrell tells why he’s in trouble. In the second passage, Mia – and hence the reader – doesn’t know why Terrell needs help, and so that keeps us wondering (and reading!) as well.

Need an Editor? Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

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Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

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Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

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Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

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Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.